


I Guess I Wanted To

by juiceboxjellyfish



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz pov, Dysphoria, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Getting Together, I started writing this because I was feeling dysphoric and also wanted to write snowbaz idk, I'm gonna make all your faves gay and there's nothing you can do about it, LGBTQ, M/M, Minor Angst, Simon's POV, SnowBaz, hope someone likes it, i can't stand to see these boys sad, lgbtq headcanons, switching POVs, that's just how it is, this was supposed to be really short and kinda angst but ended up 3k with a happy ending, trans baz, tw transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 19:26:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12394605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juiceboxjellyfish/pseuds/juiceboxjellyfish
Summary: Baz is trans and nobody knows. Simon accidentally finds out, and lots of things happen.AKA Baz is trans and Simon fights homophobes





	I Guess I Wanted To

**Author's Note:**

> My computer keeps trying to autocorrect "Baz" to "bad" and I'm like wtf no he's perfect
> 
> Edited version, now with 100% less Peggys where there should be Pennys!

BAZ

Snow sleeps shirtless. In fact, he spends a ridiculous amount of time shirtless. He takes his shirt off to shower, and then he just walks around shirtless until he goes to bed. That might not sound like a very long time, but it definitely feels like it. I usually try to go hunting in the catacombs while he gets ready for bed so I can avoid his little shirtless show and all the feelings that come with it.  
However, that doesn’t stop me from watching him sleep. Which is what I’m doing right now.

Seeing Snow shirtless really is a reminder of everything that makes my life horrible.  
Let’s start with the most obvious reason. I’m gay, I’m hopelessly in love with Simon Snow, he is never ever going to love me back, and sharing a room with him is a daily reminder of that.  
I see him shirtless every night, but I’ll never actually get to touch him in a non-violent way. So that’s fucking painful but it’s not all there is to it; there’s also the jealousy.  
Of course the jealousy isn’t specifically about Snow, seeing pretty much any cis guy shirtless has the same effect, because they all have something I desperately want.  
I would kill to have a naturally flat chest, and Snow just shows his off without a second thought.

Even though the fact that I’m able to share a room with Snow at all indicates that at least the crucible sees me as a real guy, I can’t help but feel like I’m not. It’s hard to not compare myself to Snow when he’s right there with his chest and his broad shoulders and his Adam’ s apple (and also his dick I guess but he doesn’t walk around displaying that so it bothers me less), which are all things I don’t have.

When I think he’s finally asleep, I sneak in to the bathroom. My chest is aching and no matter how much I hate seeing myself without it, taking my binder off is a relief. I take a couple of deep breaths before putting my pyjama shirt on again, and I look at myself in the mirror.  
I’m lucky enough to have a pretty small chest, so I can almost get away with just wearing a baggy shirt and thank magic for that. I don’t know what I’d do about sleeping if I didn’t. I know that Snow watches me sleep (he thinks I’m plotting) and the thought of him (or anyone) discovering that I’m trans makes me incredibly dysphoric. I really don’t think he’s transphobic, but he’ll use anything against me.  
So I don’t change out of my binder until after he’s asleep, and I wake up before he does so I can put it on again. Eight hours at a time my ass. (though does that really matter if you’re already dead?) I sleep with several blankets because the room is cold, but also because it hides my body.  
I silently walk back to bed and hope that Snow will sleep through the night.

 

BAZ

I’ve kicked the covers off when I wake up, and Snow has left the room. My shirt is hiking up my stomach and a small wave of panic washes over me at the thought of being seen like this. Because I’m laying on my back, the shirt fabric is clinging to my chest and revealing all my unfortunate curves. Even though I don’t believe in God, I pray that I kicked my covers off after Snow left the room. I hurriedly sit up and pull my covers up to cover myself, even though the room is empty. 

I want to put my binder on to get rid of dysphoria, but I know that I should give my chest a break. It’s Saturday anyway, so Snow probably won’t be in the room a lot. He usually spends his Saturdays with Bunce and Wellbelove on the Great Lawn, and the weather today is great. He has no reason to disturb me, especially since he likes to do everything he can to avoid me.  
I decide not to bind, and get a sports bra to wear instead. Going completely bare is too uncomfortable.

 

SIMON

A merewolf jumps out of the moat and attacks me when I’m leaving the castle. I have no idea if it’s an elaborate attack or if it’s just a pissed off merewolf, but it doesn’t matter. I call for the Sword Of Mages and stab it through the chest. Unfortunately I don’t strike it through the heart, and it keeps trying to attack me, splattering a mixture of moat water and blood all over my school uniform. I behead it and push its body back in to the moat. I would clean the blood off the bridge, but I’d probably spell the bridge away by accident, so I leave it.

Why do these things always happen to me? (I know why, I’m the chosen one and whatnot, but it’s so tiring!) I turn around and walk back to my room to get some clean clothes.

 

BAZ

I’ve just put my bra on when the door slams open.  
I desperately try to hide my upper body with my arms, but I know that it’s pointless. Whoever opened the door has found out. I turn to look, praying that it’s not Snow but of course it bloody is. He’s standing in the doorway, staring at me. His clothes are blood stained and he’s blushing, probably embarrassed that he walked in on me changing. We only have eye contact for a split second before he slams the door shut in front of himself. I’m frozen in place for a second, but then I grab a shirt and pull it over my head as quickly as I can.  
My heart is racing and my head is spinning. What is he going to do now? Am I going to be outed to the whole school? My eyes are burning and I try to blink the tears back, but they’re already rolling down my cheeks.  
”Baz?” Snow’s voice is barely audible through the door, and he sounds hesitant.  
”Yes? What the fuck do you want?” I snarl, hoping that he can’t tell that I’m crying.  
”I’m sorry” he almost whispers. That can’t be right… I walk up to the door and almost press my ear against it.  
”What?”  
”I’m sorry, Baz. I didn’t know you were… I thought the room would be empty. I’m really sorry.”  
I can’t believe it. It sounds like he’s genuinely sorry. The tiniest spark of hope ignites in my chest. Maybe he won’t out me after all.  
”I only came up here to change my uniform but I can get Penny to spell it clean, it’s okay.”  
”No, it’s fine. You can come in.” I quickly wipe away my tears while Simon opens the door.

Simon awkwardly steps in to the room and seems relieved that I’m wearing a shirt now. He starts unbuttoning his so that he can change and turns to me.  
”Do you want to talk about it?” he asks shyly. I say nothing.  
”Because we don’t have to, but maybe we should” he continues. I sigh and sit down on the edge of my bed.  
”So, you found out that I’m trans. What are you going to do now?”  
”What do you mean?”  
”I mean like, are you going to tell the whole school? Are you gonna run to the Mage and insist that you get another roommate because I’m not a ’real guy’?”  
Simon’s jaw drops.  
”Crowley, of course not! What kind of monster do you think I am?”  
”The kind that hates me and would do anything to stain my reputation?”  
”No! Well, kind of, but not like that! I’m not transphobic Baz. It doesn’t matter if we’re enemies or not, I’m not going to out you to the whole school. And I’m absolutely not going to try to kick you out of the boys’ dorms. You might be a huge twat, but you’re still a guy.”  
”So you’re not going to use this against me?”  
”Of course not. It’s completely irrelevant. I talk about you being a vampire-”  
”You can’t prove that”  
”-because vampires are dangerous. Trans people aren’t a danger to anyone, so it doesn’t matter.”  
Then he grabs a new school uniform and goes in to the bathroom to change.

 

BAZ

In the following weeks, Simon leaves me alone. Not just about the trans thing, but in general.  
He does nothing to intentionally annoy me, and even talks to me politely a few times.  
I have no idea what to think, but it feels suspicious.

 

SIMON

I feel bad about walking in on Baz, exposing what might very well be his biggest secret. (right up there with the vampirism) So I don’t talk about it. I give him space, and I learn to knock before entering the room. I knowingly miss opportunities to piss him off, and Penny is overjoyed that I'm finally limiting my Baz talk to less than 30% like she told me to.  
I don't know what’s happening.

 

BAZ

When Simon has been suspiciously nice to me for about a month, I confront him.  
He’s standing at the window just looking out at the moat in silence.  
”Simon, do you pity me?”  
He turns around, blinking like I woke him up from a daydream.  
”What?”  
”You’ve been suspiciously nice to me since you found out that I’m trans. Is it because you feel sorry for me?”  
He stands there silently with his brow furrowed for a few seconds before he answers me.  
”No, I don’t think so” he says.  
”You don’t think so?” He shakes his head. ”So why haven’t you been mean to me?”  
”I don’t know, I think maybe… Maybe I just don’t want to anymore. Not because I pity you, but because I don’t feel like you deserve it. It’s like I realised that you're just… A person. And you might be a bit of a dick but you have your own problems and fighting with you isn’t making anything better. We might have to fight one day, but not yet.”

 

SIMON

I really had no idea why I was being nice to Baz before he asked me about it, and my answer surprises me. When did I start caring about Baz?  
And when did he start calling me Simon?

 

BAZ

Simon has upgraded from not fighting me to actually being nice to me. He even tries to make small talk sometimes. Maybe we could be friends one day… No that’s an unrealistic fantasy, I can’t let myself get attached to it.

 

SIMON

Some sixth year makes a loud homophobic remark at breakfast, and I’m surprised I don’t go off on him. I’m not sure what’s gotten into me, but I feel the need to confront him and make a scene.  
He must be able to smell my magic almost spilling over, because he looks terrified when he stutters his apology.  
As I walk back to my spot I briefly make eye contact with Baz, and he gives me a quick smile.  
Penny just stares at me suspiciously.

 

BAZ

Pretty much the whole school thinks Simon is gay now. I guess reacting to homophobic remarks like they’re personal insults can have that effect. Dev and Niall even ask me about it, and they're not the type to gossip. It’s the number one conversation topic in the school for at least a week, but Simon doesn’t care.  
”I just did the right thing” he says with a shrug when people ask him about it.  
However, he never actually denies being gay.

One can only hope.

 

SIMON

I let people think I’m gay, because that’s better than outing Baz.  
There are always rumours about me anyway, and this one isn't even bad. So what if I was gay? It’s not like it would make a difference.

Penny doesn’t ask me about it, but I catch her staring at me in deep thought sometimes. 

 

BAZ

Simon’s open support of the LGBTQ community has started inspiring people to come out.  
They’re less scared of the consequences now that they know that the Chosen One, the most powerful mage there ever was, is on their side. It’s pretty great.  
For a second, I even consider coming out as gay myself.  
I don’t though. I don’t want to risk Simon finding out that I like him, now that he’s actually being nice to me.

 

SIMON

I don’t know if being gay is more common amongst mages or something, but there’s a surprising amount of LGBT people at Watford. Or maybe it’s not actually that surprising and I just haven’t thought about it. Completely possible. 

People still think I’m gay, but who cares? It’s not like I’m the only one. Would be the only one. Is what I meant to say. I wouldn’t be the only one if I were gay. Which I’m not. But who cares?

 

BAZ

Trixie and her girlfriend have started selling pride stuff in the corridors. I have no idea how they got this many pride flags, pins and badges so quickly, but they’re selling quite well. I don’t think you’re technically allowed to have a business like that on the school grounds, but the teachers haven’t done anything about it. 

I bump into Trixie in the hall when I’m walking between classes, and I completely knock her over. She hits the floor in a cloud of pixie dust, and the contents of her bag scatters on the floor. (How did all of those pride pins even fit in her tiny bag? She must have spelled it.) I reach my hand out to help her up, but she doesn't take it. She just starts silently collecting her things, so I get down on the floor and start helping her collect the pins.  
”Sorry for knocking you over” I say. She glances at me but doesn’t say anything, she just keeps scooping pins into her bag. I help her silently.  
”Is that all of them?” I ask as I dump a handful of pins in the bag.  
”No, there’s one right there.” She points to my feet. I pick it up and look at it. Blue, pink and white. The trans flag.  
”Hello? Are you going to give that back?”  
”No” I say. ”I think I want to buy it.”

 

SIMON

Baz has started wearing a pride pin. It’s pretty small and not that noticeable, but it’s a big deal.  
When I found out that he’s trans a couple of months ago, I was the only one who knew, and he wasn’t planning to tell anyone else. I suppose he still hasn’t told people, but he’s not trying to hide it anymore.  
I wonder if I had anything to do with it. 

 

BAZ

Simon has bought a ”some people are trans, get over it” shirt and wears it on most non-uniform days. Nobody is really sure why he got a trans one specifically.  
I wonder if I had anything to do with it.

 

PENNY

I’m like 98% sure that Simon is at least bi.  
Since Agatha came out to me as asexual yesterday, that would leave me without any straight friends. Though I guess that’s not that impressive when you only have two friends to begin with.  
Also, Simon apparently gets along with Baz now?  
Suspicious.

 

SIMON

Penny, Agatha and I are sitting on the great lawn. It’s Saturday and the weather is beautiful, so we brought our lunch outside to enjoy the sun. Agatha is talking about an interaction she had with one of her Normal friends, but I can’t really focus. You can see the football pitch from where we’re sitting, and Baz seems to be in a fight or something with some other students on the pitch.  
”Simon, are you even listening?” ”Sorry, I have to go and.. do a thing”  
I hear Penny and Agatha protesting behind me as I leave, but they don’t get up to stop me. I run over to the pitch, where Baz is being confronted by two students who I think are eight years.  
I can only make out parts of their conversation, even though the biggest one is speaking so loudly that he’s almost shouting.

”…shouldn’t even be allowed on the team. It’s a guys’ team, you know!”  
”So? I’m a guy.” Baz is trying to act tough, but it’s clear that he’s frightened. The eight years laugh.  
”No” the smaller one scoffs. ”You’re a tranny.”

I think my blood is actually boiling. I quickly walk over to them, feeling my head get hotter for every second that passes.  
”What THE FUCK did you just call him?” I growl. Their heads turn.  
”Coming to protect your little girlfriend are you?” the big guy teases.  
My magic is swelling up, burning me up from the inside.  
”He. Is. A. Guy.”’  
I can barely think straight at this point, and red smoke is forming around me. My blood is on fire and my eyes are glowing, and every last ounce of confidence has been blown away from the bullies’ faces when I take a step closer to them.  
”Fucking hell, he's about to go off! Run for your life!”  
Everyone who’s close enough to hear us is running as far away as they can, but Baz is just standing there in some kind of shock.  
I throw myself over him and knock him to the ground, focusing everything I have on protecting him.  
The magic explodes out of me, scorching the football goals and most of the grass around us, but Baz and I are safe. 

 

PENNY

I told you it was suspicious. 

 

BAZ

Simon and I walk back to Mummer’s House in silence.  
I don’t know what to say. In the span of a few months, Simon has gone from hating me to going off on people who discriminate against me, and I can’t quite comprehend it. 

We get back to our room and Simon opens his wardrobe to get some new clothes, since he smells like a bonfire. We both do.  
”Simon?” I say, and he turns around.  
”Yeah?”  
”It was nice of you to stand up for me back there. You didn’t need to do that” I say, sitting down on my bed. He closes the wardrobe and walks over to me.  
”Yes I did. They were harassing you” he states as he sits down next to me.  
”You used to harass me. Like, every day.” Simon rolls his eyes.  
”Hey, you deserved it. It’s not like you were a saint to me. Besides, I was never transphobic.”  
”Fair enough.”  
We sit there on the bed for a while without saying anything, and then I break the silence again.  
”Why did you rescue me though? I mean it’s not like you just happened to be nearby, you abandoned your friends and ran across the lawn to protect me. Why?”  
He looks around the room while thinking, and then turns back to me.  
”I guess I wanted to.” He smiles at me, and I can’t help smiling back.  
He bites his lip absentmindedly, and my heart swells.

Then I kiss him.

 

SIMON

Baz kissed me yesterday, and I kissed him back. It just felt so right to kiss him, I’m not sure why.  
I guess I wanted to.

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT BINDING
> 
> In the beginning of the work I mention that Baz is wearing his binder for more than eight hours at a time. Don't do that. Binders are restricting, and wearing them for longer than you're supposed to can be dangerous, so don't. Also, don't exercise in your binder and NEVER bind with ace bandages. Just don't. Do not.
> 
> Okay that's all for the binding tips. Bind safely!
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading this fic! (that I wrote instead of updating Tugging At The Strings and that nobody asked for)  
> Please leave a comment telling me if you liked it, because comments make my day.


End file.
